Some things that I do make me feel like a bad person....some things make me feel like a good person.  The same goes for my relationship with Vince.  Sometimes I feel good with him; sometimes I don't.  At times I tend to only look at the negative and what needs improving (it is the curse of being a perfectionist driven toward excellence in all that I do be it school or relationships).  I do forget that there is plenty TO feel GOOD about though......

Things I did today that make me feel good about myself: 

1. I let myself go and had a chocolate muffin at 11:00 at night.
2. I started to read a new book for lesuire, not for class.
3. Instead of being all ambitious and joining another club (A New Dimension), I decided to relax and stick with the ones I'm already in.
4. I did not feel the need to nor did I frantically call Vince a million times.
5. I got all of my reading done for the day.
6. I finished my Personality homework.
7. I spent an hour with Vince reading/talking.....I did not start any "fights."

Things that made me feel good when I was with Vince

1. I let myself go and had a chocolate muffin at 11:00 at night.
2. He made me feel important when he asked me to help him with his research paper that he was stressing about.
3. He invited me to go out with him on Friday night to his friend Ryan's party to celebrate his birthday.
4. He said that he wanted to wake up early tomorrow to work out at 8:30 AM.
5. He said he wanted to go to out shopping tomorrow at 3ish, which is his usual nap time.  WHOH.

Well it has been a LONG while since I've made my last entry.  So here goes.  I can't say my life has changed very much since last year.  Largely, the issues are still the same.  My goal for the year is to stop moaning about the same issues like a helpless little baby, because I'm not a helpless little baby. 

I would say the reason I haven't been writing is anxiety.  Anxiety over losing something that I never really had: Vince's heart.  Frankly, I'm tired of the back and forth nature of my soul- when I have him, I don't want him.  And when he shows me the slightest inkling that he's actually OK without me, I want him back. 

I tell him that the best thing for us to do is to keep our distance, to stop talking so often.  But when I get back from my nightly shower and don't have any missed calls, I can't help but feel an empty, sad feeling in my heart and soul.  Then again, I wonder how I would feel if he did call me.  If he did call me to let me know that everything is ok and that he's out having fun, I would be equally saddened.

Clearly, this situation that I am in is lose-lose.  It is a struggle to be with Vince, and it is a struggle to be without him.  I just want to have the feeling in my heart again that I'm OK.  You know?  Lately my heart has been constricted and restricted.  I haven't been able to love myself or others.  It is difficult thinking about the future without him.  I cry all the time.

Sometimes, I just feel so lonely and without a home.  They say home is where the heart is......my heart always seems to lead me up the stairs to the fourth floor right into his bedroom.  Still, I feel that things will NEVER, EVER be the same between us.  Things can't ever be like they were before.  I am a different person than I was when I first met Vince; I am A LOT different.  I am a lot more sad and pathetic, which is something I have never experienced after a break up before.  It doesn't really help that we are still friends and that I see him still almost everyday.  The only difference is that we are both "out there" now.  I just wish I could get over the "ISN'T IT SO SAD??????" stage.  I just feel like this is one of the hardest things I have ever been through.

It is kind of difficult for me to get close to people.  The threat of losing someone SO CLOSE to me is terrifying.  And though we both say that we will always be friends, a part of me knows that being friends is FAR too painful right now.  I've been kind of seeing somebody new, but I just don't feel right kissing him or being the "girlfriend" he wants me to be.  The wounds are still fresh.  I couldn't even imagine loving someone like that again at this time.  Seriously. 

I just wish that Vince would realize how painful this is for me.  I wish that he would feel a little also.  I wish that he would "cry just a little, for me," as Faith Hill sang.  Nope- he's much too busy out having a good time.  Meanwhile, I sulk.  I don't believe in the whole "go out and have a good time.....don't let him get the best of you....just get over him" deal.  To me, grieving is much healthier than drinking and partying the pain away.  I'm sure those things do help to numb the pain though...

Dear diary,

I have a confession to make.  I haven't vaccuumed under my couch for weeks.  There.  I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.

It is too weird being home from school...I feel like I have NOTHING to do.  I'm so used to constantly having schoolwork that I feel like I do not know WHAT to do with myself.  I really haven't felt like going out lately either because of the fact that that costs money...which is something I do not really have...but I did buy a couple of photo albums today.  I had to.  I had nothing else to do, so Catie and I started putting all of my pictures into the albums.  Well, more like I put them into albums and she looked through them and made an even bigger mess.  We barely put a dent in the pile though....guess it will be our summer project for when we are bored (i'm sure there will be many summer days!) 

I went to church earlier today...my mom and my stepdad got their marriage renewed in the church.  I also looked in the paper for jobs today.  Aldi's is hiring in Darien (too far) starting at 11.64 an hour, which is really good.  I think I may try to apply in Joliet or nearby.  There were some other ones that I circled too....I'm putting off calling till tommorrow.  Monday monday!  I also signed up for this secret shopper job online....that may be interesting.  If all else fails, hopefully I can just get a job at Osco again.  If I do, then I will try to volunteer somewhere to boost my resume.  God knows Osco won't give me the hours I need to stay busy.  I thought about starting my own mini-business....thought about it....then got lazy.  We'll see though....the summer is full of possibilities.